Annual NFL Player Awards - 2009

QB of the Year

Aaron Rodgers (GB) - This was a tough one. I went with Rodgers here because he's put up the most points in standard ESPN scoring leagues, led the Packers to a respectable record, and offers something none of the other QBs do - rushing (283 yards, 3 TDs YTD). He also only has 7 INTs thus far this year and has taken an absolute pounding (David Carr style) and hasn't missed a game all year.

Runner Up: Peyton Manning. Did the most with the least, making Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie fantasy relevant. Also currently undefeated.

RB of the Year

Chris Johnson (TEN) - This was an easy one. Leads all players in ESPN scoring, has over 1600 yards rushing, 11 TDs, and is very valuable in PPR leagues (42 receptions, 391 yards, and 2 receiving TDs). He has been particularly good seeing as how there are really no other offensive threats on the Titans. How good would his numbers be if VY were starting all year? With the Alcoholic at the helm, he only had 2 TDs and 2 100+ rushing efforts through 6 games. With VY? 9 TDs and 8 100+ yard efforts through 8 games. Unreal.

Runner Up: Ray Rice. Narrowly edges AP given his aptitude for catching passes (and thus, superior value in PPR leagues) as he's racked up 68 receptions YTD compared to AP's 36.

WR of the Year

Andre Johnson (HOU) - He has put up astounding numbers thus far this season. He's 5th in receptions (81), 1st in yards (1237) and tied for 7th in TDs (8). He also leads everyone in standard ESPN leagues in points by 10. He also wakes up every day thanking God he's not on the Lions (Charles Rogers is somewhere shooting up right now).

Runner Up: Miles Austin. I'm taking him here over DeSean Jackson since Jackson was drafted and Austin was not. He's clearly this year's winner for "guy who ruined fantasy leagues".

TE of the Year

Vernon Davis (SF) - He needs to send Alex Smith something really nice for Christmas. I mean, really nice. Like a $5,000 hooker and a brand new Bugatti. He leads all TEs in TDs (11) and is second in yards (815). The kid is finally starting to live up to his potential.

Runner Up: Dallas Clark. He demanded a pretty high draft pick before the season started and has delivered. In PPR leagues, he's the clear #1, but since you had to take him so much higher than Davis, he's second in my book.

DE of the Year

Jared Allen (MIN) - 46 tackles (38 solo), 4 FF, 1 INT, 13.5 sacks. What can I say other than he's one of the major reasons the Vikings have the record they do? He gets bonus points for being a former alcoholic who loves to kill shit.

Runner Up: Elvis Dumervil. 46 tackles (39 solo), 3 FF, 0 INT, 15.0 sacks. At first blush his numbers look better than Jared Allen's. Hoewver, I disagree. Tackles are basically a wash and the 1.5 extra sacks don't make up for Allen's 1 more FF and 1 INT. Also, you're probably not taking Denver's D over Minny's D.

LB of the Year

Patrick Willis (SF) - 138 tackles (103 solo), 3 FF, 2 INTs, 4 sacks. He does it all and is an absolute beast. Arguably the best LB to come out of college since LT. He is that good and his numbers every year back him up.

Runner Up: Jon Beason. 121 tackles (96 solo), 0 FF, 3 INTs, 2 sacks. Numbers are pretty close to Willis, but not quite as good. Still a great season from him.

DB of the Year

Charles Woodson (GB) - 70 tackles (62 solo), 4 FF, 8 INTs, 2 sacks, 2 TDs. Monster year from this guy. It's tough to say how many extra wins he's added to the Packers this year, but I'm sure it is at least two. Bonus points for going to Michigan.

Runner Up: Brian Dawkins. 100 tackles (82 solo), 1 FF, 2 INTs, 0 sacks. He's been a beast this year but his INTs are simply too low. I am also 99.9% certain he's taking some sort of steroid. He's like 40 and still gets up like a 25 year old who just decapitated his opponent after every tackle. Make your own conclusions...

Offensive Comeback Player of the Year

Ricky Williams, RB (MIA) - I'd like to put Brett Favre here, but I just have a feeling that he's going to continue to tank the rest of this season away (quick, someone get him some Vicodin, stat!). Ricky wins because after Ronnie Brown went down he was an absolute beast (100+ yards rushing in 4 of 6 games and 5 TDs). He also gets high.

Defensive Comeback Player of the Year

Bernard Pollard, DB (HOU) - OK so his year in 2008 wasn't that bad. But then you start to think about the fact that the Chiefs cut this guy. And how did he respond? By putting up 89 tackles (70 solo), 0.5 sacks, 1 FF, 2 INTs, and 1 TD... in 11 games! In 16 games with the Chiefs last year he didn't match his pass deflection total (4), TDs, sacks, or INTs. Unreal year from him. Of course you have to ask yourself - does Pioli know what he's doing in KC? Or is Bellichick the only thing good in NE?

I'd also like to note that my Breakout Players of the Year were Miles Austin and Elvis Dumervil. I already spoke of them, so I figured another couple of paragraphs was overkill.

Also, Tom Cable - you are my coach of the year.

Potshots: The NFC

Alright, I'm doing this because my life is on tilt right now. Anyway, here is what I think of all NFL teams:

Dallas: You're 8-3 but your remaining schedule is rough, your best WR is Miles Austin, and your three-headed RB combo will likely get you in trouble. It's like Tony Romo is Tiger Woods and your RBs are his mistresses. You know the story. This won't end well for you.

Philadelphia: Your quarterback is black and not named Doug Williams and even worse your coach is Andy Reid. You've been down this road a thousand times. It's like Notre Dame still hanging on for football glory, only for an NFL team. Give up now Philly fans. And oh yeah, the Michael Vick signing? What a waste of money. Barf.

New York Giants: Eli Manning is not Peyton Manning, and to top if off - he's playing hurt. You guys have lost two of your starting cornerbacks. Brandon Jacobs looks like Shaun Alexander (2007 version). You are fucked.

Washington: Well, it could be worse. You could be Oakland or Tampa Bay. Either way, your starting RB is getting old, you have no franchise QB, and your defense is mediocre at best. Things won't be getting better for a while in Washington, so I suggest you start playing fantasy football (heavily, like... drinking, but instead of stopping at drink #12, going for the full 24).

Minnesota: Your players can't drive 55 and Favre can't throw in December. As a Vikings fan, how worried are you that you'll face the Packers in the playoffs and they will decimate you? Jared Allen is a beast, however, and you probably owe the entire city of Kansas City a steak dinner, lap dance, and $200 suck and fuck.

Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers might be the most underrated QB in the NFL right now (certainly, he's #1 in fantasy points but never mentioned in the Brees/Manning/Favre discussion... odd) but your RB is still Ryan Grant, your defense (outside of Charles Woodson) still sucks (AJ Hawk, I'm looking at you, you ugly piece of shit) and you are based in Green Bay. I'd rather put a team in Wheaton, IL.

Chicago: You're killing yourself over Cutler. But fret not, Orton has shown his true colors in Denver and will never win anything. Well, maybe a jack daniels drinking competition, but that's another article. Matt Forte, you ruined one of my fantasy teams this year. Go back to Tulane you fuck.

Detroit: Two more wins this year than last year. Too bad Michigan as a state is on tilt. Don't kill yourself, but developing some sort of suicide plan might be a good idea.

New Orleans: Wow, how good would you be if you had Mario Williams instead of Reggie Bust? I don't know. Probably not much better. Can't really hate on the Saints.

Atlanta: You are bipolar and need medication. Matt Ryan has saved the franchise but now he's hurt. Michael Turner - it was fun while it lasted.

Carolina: I could write an entire book about your incompetence as a football team and a front office. Jake Delhomme was never the answer, you don't have a first round pick in 2010, and you're going to start sucking for a long period of time. Beginning this year (4-7 hello).

Tampa Bay: If you were a television show, you'd either be that failed Matt LeBlanc / Joey Tribbiani spin off show, or the Magic Johnson talk show. I can't decide. Both were awful. You also win the award for "average football fan might not be able to name anyone on our roster".

Arizona: No one really cares about you, and tons of people are secretly rooting for Kurt Warner to fail so they can bang his wife. For money, of course. But still...

San Francisco: Michael Crabtree has been impressive after blowing off the first half of the season, but your QB still sucks, the defense hasn't been very inspired, and your coach is not white.

Seattle: Good lord, you are like the old dog that needs to be put to sleep - only no one in the family has the heart to do it. Justin Forsett? Really? No... never..

St. Louis: We'll remember this as the year Steven Jackson killed himself on one of the worst teams in football. And we'll only remember it when 60 minutes does a story in 2035 with Jackson in a wheelchair, Earl Campbell style.

Coming soon: the AFC and my NFL picks for Sunday.

Potshots: Matt Millen

Debut of a new part of this blog - potshots. Basically I rip someone who is currently in sports. The first victim? Matt Millen.

I'm going to start off by showing you a team Millen could have realistically fielded as he was Lions GM from 2000 through 2008 (Note: "realistically" defined as "actual pick was a bust and guy they could have taken was gone within the next 10 picks and would have fit a position of need"):

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, Joe Flacco
RB: LenDale White, Ray Rice
TE: Chris Cooley, Brent Celek
WR: Steve Smith (utah), Andre Johnson, Marques Colston
T: Bryant McKinnie, Ryan Harris


DT: Frank Okam
OLB: Shawne Merriman, LaMarr Woodley
MLB: Scott Fujita
CB: Nate Clements
S: Ken Hamlin, Bob Sanders

Granted most of these are totally off in a fantasy world (hell, the Lions had a lot of team needs, so this was pretty easy), but there were two f*ck ups that caught my eye: Millen drafting Mike Williams (WR - USC) over Big Ben and taking Drew Stanton (QB - MSU) in the second round, a few picks before the HOMETOWN LaMarr Woodley.

The reason Mike Williams was taken, beyond that Millen is simply a pure moron, is that he was the best player available (even though he hadn't played football in a year) and Joey Harrington was still around (and for some reason Millen had faith). This idiotic move cost the Lions 10 years, minimum.

The next year Millen drafts a QB in the second round, even though Stanton is NOT a franchise QB. I don't get this, at all. He never won anything at MSU, and his combine numbers weren't eye popping. Woodley dominated for four years at Michigan, grew up in the area, and was pretty much a "can't miss" talent for a second round price. I think Pittsburgh owes Detroit some sort of annuity for this.

Since those two decisions took place, the Steelers have won 2 Super Bowls and the Lions went 0-16 last year. Matt Millen, please take a bow.

So why is he everywhere these days? He set the Lions back 20 years with his 9 year GM stint. He doesn't deserve to constantly be on TV. Just check out his current gigs:

Announcing on NFL network
Announcing ABC college football
Announcing ESPN college football
Broadcast booth on ESPN Monday Night Football
Broadcast booth on NBC Sunday Night Football

Unreal. Go away Millen. I'm not even a Lions fan.

NFL Picks - Week 11

Buffalo (+9) over JACKSONVILLE. I don't think Jax is a 9 point spread team, even if they are at home. I know Buffalo is bad, but work with me here. At least they have some offensive players who can bust big plays. MJD still has a field day here.

KANSAS CITY (+11) over Pittsburgh. No Troy P = No Good for Pitt. KC looks a little revamped over the past few weeks, and could possibly put up a good show at home. No DBowe is a problem for this team, but 11 points is a lot for this PIT team to be giving this year.

Indianapolis (-2) over BALTIMORE. Peyton Manning for MVP this year, no doubt. I think Baltimore is overrated. Indy exposes them. Like a male flasher to females.

Seattle (+11) over MINNESOTA. For some reason Brett Favre is earning points with me this year. I used to hate that guy but now it doesn't seem like he's that bad of a guy. Perhaps it is because all of GB (trash) hates him. Anyway, a lot of points to be giving up to a Seattle team that is either boom or bust each week. This one is a total crapshoot.

Atlanta (+7) over NEW YORK GIANTS. I don't care if Michael Turner is out, 7 points here is ridiculous. Matt Ryan has a field day with those Giants DBs. I think Atlanta wins, actually. Bet on them straight up. Big pay day.

New Orleans (-11) over TAMPA BAY. I'm listening to Lil Wayne right now, I'll call that an omen for the Saints in this game. And BTW, I think the Saints do it BIG today after squeezing past the Rams last week. I'm talking 4 TD winning margin big.

DETROIT (-3) over Cleveland. Holy shit Detroit is laying points and I'm taking them. Says a lot about Cleveland this year.

San Francisco (+6.5) over GREEN BAY. Too many points here, but I do like GB to win this game.

Washington (+11) over DALLAS. Again, seems like a little bit too much for me. I'd like this at Dallas -7, but not much more.

ST. LOUIS (+9.5) over Arizona. I don't trust Kurt Warner this year, at all. Another one of those "don't touch" games. I'll take STL after their performance against NO last week.

NEW ENGLAND (-11) over New York Jets. Revenge game. NE playing out of its mind over the past month. A spread you can't really explain. All of these things add up to "bet on NE for this game".

Cincinnati (-9.5) over OAKLAND. If this were NE or Indy or NO the spread would be 14. The Bengals are still getting a discount. I think they win this game by 3 TDs. My second lock of the week.

San Diego (-5.5) over DENVER. WOW, what a spread. Denver was undefeated just a few weeks ago and now this? Why the hell would I take SD laying that many points on the road? Sometimes, it's all about the simple things in life. Rivers > Simms. By a lot.

CHICAGO (+3) over Philadelphia. Tough game to bet on. I'll take the Bears in a bounce back game over the up-and-down Eagles.

HOUSTON (-4) over Tennessee. Vince Young > The Alcoholic but is not enough here. BTW, this is a Monday Night game? Two terrible ones in a row. Thanks NFL! Seriously, we can't make SNF and MNF games after the bye weeks have some sort of "flex" option, where we are getting the best games every week? Too complex for you, NFL?

Top 10 Athlete Scandals of All Time

10. Pete Rose - One of the biggest sleazeballs of sports, or just a guy who cared too much? I'll stick with the "care too much" philosophy of Rose, with a little bit of "total whackjob" mixed in. I mean, who else in baseball has wracked up so many hits, while once plowing a catcher in an All-Star Game (and effectively ending that catcher's career) and betting on the team he managed? The answer is no one. I sincerely believe there is a 100-1 shot that sometime in my lifetime I'll run into Rose in Vegas and end up losing a grand betting on horses with him. On a related note, how many hookers has Rose bagged in his lifetime? 50? 100? Are we talking thousands? I don't know.

9. Michael Phelps - In a matter of months went from "international sensation" to "pot smoker". What is the big deal here? I mean, the kid did spend a couple of years at the University of Michigan, which hosts an annual "hash bash", which is also the only annual event where bums/stoners/college kids all gather in one event. What I really want to know is whatever happened to the kid who took the photo? I'd say Phelps has enough "cache" to get this kid severely beaten, or murdered. If we were doing a "Top 10 douches of all time" list, the kid who took the photo would probably come in at #10. Also, I wish Phelps would do a "high times" cover some time with Bill Walton and Todd Marijuanavich. I'd get that mother fucker blown up and put it in my living room.

8. Tonya Harding / Nancy Kerrigan - Made women's figure skating relevant again. Also spawned several Dateline shows, a made for TV movie, and the popularity of Tonya's wedding night sex tape. Also made "Jeff Galoulie (sp?)" a national celebrity. Any time all of this happens, it has to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Say what you will about this altercation, but Americans who were alive during this will always be able to answer the question of "Why? Why? Why?" (as well as - "Damn, that Tonya Harding is a dead fish in the sack").

7. Sammy Sosa - Made this list for multiple reasons. He was likely injecting McGwire while both made baseball relevant again, he corked his bat, he never knew when to give up (Baltimore and Texas, anyone?), but most importantly - he recently turned "white". Is the guy a total moron or just a total nutcase? I don't know. Probably a little bit of both. All I know is that when I saw this "Sosa turns white due to skin treatment similar to Michael Jackson" I threw up a little in my mouth. I hope he goes away or writes a book similar to Canseco, in which no one will understand what he is saying because he is borderline illiterate.

6. Patrick Ewing - The Gold Club is why he is here. Personally, it is my favorite story involving athletes and scandals over the last 20 years. Why? Anytime you get a bunch of athletes (Ewing was the prominent figure) getting blow jobs, hand jobs, and probably their salads tossed by a bunch of dirty Atlanta strippers, you have to pay attention. Ewing testified that he would receive private dances, pop a huge boner, and be "finished off" with oral sex by these girls. This scandal forever damaged his persona, but somehow he remains tied to the NBA - teaching young phenom Dwight Howard how to choke in big games.

5. Steve McNair - I can't really write anything comical about this one, as it was a pretty sad story. Former NFL player who was looked up to as a stand up guy among everyone in the league is found murdered by his young mistress. Although the details are pretty sleazy (McNair spent a lot of money on his mistress), there isn't anything funny about a murder-suicide involving one of the best black QBs of all time. Note to all NFL players - if you're married, don't fuck around on your wife, and if you do - make sure she's isn't ugly as fuck and a total psychopath. In fact...

4. Kobe Bryant - I CAN write something funny about this (I think). Kobe was charged with sexual assault on a young girl in Colorado. You know the fall out - huge rock for Kobe's wife, trial going on during the NBA season, and Kobe ultimately settling out of court. What most people don't know is what spawned all of this (other than Kobe "being Kobe"). The answer to that is the trifecta. What is this trifecta I speak of? Well, it's a common practice amongst NBA players and groupies, whereby the athlete receives a blowjob, vaginal sex, and anal sex. Apparently this girl wasn't very receptive to the anal sex part, and spawned many arguments of "Kobe messed up because he chose a young, innocent girl - a seasoned NBA groupie would have gone along 100% and the mess would have been averted". Lesson to all NBA players - stick to groupies. Lesson to all women - anal sex, once in a while, can be a very, very good thing.

3. Michael Vick - Another disgusting story that might fall under the category of "too soon" if people start making jokes about it. So, what to say here? Vick was dumb enough to think that dogfighting wasn't a big deal and ultimately ruined his career because of it. He'll forever be remembered as the guy who killed dogs, not the electric QB that almost changed the way the professional football was played. I think his NFL career is over, although he is probably still a better QB than JaMarcus Russell and whoever is leading the Browns (that's right Delhomme, you've avoided my wrath this time, but be careful). I hope in five years we get a movie out of this, with Omar Epps playing Vick (bonus points if the roided out white guy from The Program plays a supporting role).

2. Tim Donaghy - What did his ordeal teach everyone? Well, probably "getting involved with the mob and gamblers to fix NBA games is a bad idea". Pretty logical stuff actually. How dumb was Donaghy? Well, not as dumb as the NBA, which failed to catch on and probably accounted for several NBA seasons that were ruined by his refereeing (San Antonio over Phoenix anyone?). He's recently been released from jail and will probably make a significant fortune over the next 20 years by speaking to people telling them "ruining your life is bad". I would not be surprised if he were found dead in the next five years, or another scandal involving a dead hooker.

1. The Black Sox - Fixing a world series is a bad idea, end of story. This topic brings up an important question - when did sports become relevant? You can't tell me that in 1919 that sports were relevant. Why? You had a team fixing a championship series. Clearly any time an outsider can come in, throw some money around, and get a team to agree to lose, your sport has major problems. Sure, there are still problems today (gambling, PEDs, etc.) but those problems don't typically lead to cheating of this magnitude. So, in my opinion....

- Baseball became relevant during the Mickey Mantle era. You have WS fixing in 1919, and then star players (e.g., Ted Williams) going off to fight in WW2. These things would never happen today.

- Basketball became relevant after the days of Bill Russell. There was an unwritten code on keeping no more than 2 black players per team in the 50's and into the 60's - that's a joke. A bunch of big, tall white guys would be devoured in today's NBA.

- Football became relevant after the creation of the AFC and NFC. Styles have changed over the years, but after the merger, we started to see the NFL we have today.

- Hockey is relevant in Canada. That is all.

NFL Picks - Week 10

New Orleans (-14) over ST. LOUIS. This will be a fucking bloodbath. SJax might be predator, but the rest of his team sucks.

Jacksonville (+7) over NEW YORK JETS. I don't trust the Jets this year laying a TD. I don't trust Garrard, either, but at least the Jags have MJD.

Atlanta (-1.5) over CAROLINA. Lock of the week. Falcons by 21 in this game. Delhomme.

Buffalo (+8.5) over TENNESSEE. VY is better than the alcoholic, and Chris Johnson is on a hot streak, but it has to end sometime, right? This is NOT a team that's going to win 10 games in a row and make a miracle playoff run. Sorry. Buffalo is in no way that much worse than the Titans.

Detroit (+16.5) over MINNESOTA. Here's betting that the final spread will be somewhere around 13-14 points. Minnesota is much better than Detroit, but not almost 17 points better.

PITTSBURGH (-7) over Cincinnati. I just have a feeling that the Steelers with Troy P are a much, much better squad. Plus they have to be completely irate with their loss at Cinci earlier this year.

MIAMI (-10) over Tampa Bay. Not buying into Tampa Bay, at all. I will buy into Miami at home and playing well. Huge days for Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown.

Denver (-4) over WASHINGTON. I'd say this is close to another lock of the week. I'm not ready to give up on Denver and Washington is just.... awful.

Kansas City (+2) over OAKLAND. I would never advise a sane person to bet on Jamarcus Russell.

ARIZONA (-7.5) over Seattle. I don't buy into Seattle on the road, especially when that team they are facing already killed them earlier this season. Not even close here.

GREEN BAY (+3) over Dallas. Green Bay getting points at home when their team isn't really that bad + Going against Romo = Straight Cash.

Philadelphia (Pick'em) over SAN DIEGO. Phillip Rivers is for real and that comeback win last week was amazing. However, I'm buying into Philly as being for real and the Eagles WRs torching the SD CBs.

INDIANAPOLIS (-2.5) over New England. I'm not betting against Manning at home. Not this year.

Baltimore (-11) over CLEVELAND. I can't believe this is the Monday Night game. I don't even want to write about this game. It sucks.

Thursday Night Football

Mike Singletary drops his pants after the first quarter, exposing his dick.

Niners by 10. Bet on them (-3).

Joe Cada Wins World Series of Poker

First of all, I'd like to congratulate a 21 year old kid from Michigan who won the WSOP championship yesterday. The kid has been playing high stakes online since he was 15, bought his first house at 19 (fully paid with cash) and now has won over $8 million as a 21 year old.

That's a lot of money for a young kid to have, so here's hoping he doesn't turn into one of those "lottery winners" who ends up dead in less than 10 years.

Second of all, FUCK YOU YAHOO! for POSTING THE GOD DAMN PICTURE OF HIM WINNING ON YOUR FRONT PAGE TODAY. YOU RUINED 8 WEEKS OF MY LIFE I SPENT WATCHING THIS SHIT ON ESPN. I'M FILING A LAW SUIT.

Also of note:

- Approximately 1 million teenagers nationwide just decided to skip college and become professional poker players. Approximately 10 will make it. The others will start what we call the "Cada effect" (like the "Moneymaker effect") and instead of a large increase in WSOP entries, we'll see a marked increase in online players, kids without jobs, and homeless people who look surprisingly young.

- Although he didn't go to the University of Michigan (he was making more money at 15 than most post-college grads, so why go to school?), he aligned with them during his run - wearing a white M hat in July and bringing back a crew of people with M maize hats and a maize M shirt. Take that Michigan State. You continue to bow down to Michigan. Little Brother.

- I'm going to play some online poker now...

College Football 2009 - Why You Should Just Give Up Now

Alright, I felt the need to write a little post after Saturday's games. Here is what I am saying - forget college football this year unless you're a Florida, Texas, or Alabama fan.

Where We Have Been

A ton of premature ejaculations this year. Let's review:

1) Tebow / McCoy / Bradford Heisman race. What a joke this has turned into. Tebow has been good, but arguably regressed from previous years. McCoy - also solid but not nearly the player he was last year. Bradford was hurt in the first game, and then knocked out for good in the Texas game. Two of these three QB's teams are still undefeated but have been more "puddling along" than "putting the pedal to the metal".

2) The return of old favorites to excellence - Michigan, Miami, and Notre Dame. Michigan wins its first 4 games before losing 5 of its next 6 - something that certainly has Rich Rod and his coaching staff under fire. Miami beats ranked FSU and Georgia Tech before getting blown out by Virginia Tech (an honorable mention for this category) and losing to Clemson in OT (but note they have been the most impressive case for "comeback team thus far", winning all of their other games). Notre Dame just lost to Navy. Again. And they lost to Michigan - which is looking worse and worse every week (note to ND fans - if you are celebrating Michigan's demise - that's just hurting you).

3) The solid programs turning into elite programs but then shitting the bed. I'm talking to you, Iowa and Oregon. How can you reasonably expect anyone to take you serious this year when you either: (a) Almost lose your first game to a D-2 school and then lose to Northwestern of all people (Iowa) or (b) Get blown out in your first game in which your star RB gets suspended indefinitely for punching out an opposing player in the post-game and getting blown out by Stanford (Oregon). You guys had it made - could have made a Natty Title run and all you had to do was win your last 3 (Iowa) or 4 (Oregon) games. So sad.

Where We Are

ACC - Your best school (Georgia Tech) runs a high school offense that any self respecting defensive coordinator should be able to stop. Your "Atlantic" representative will have either 3 or 4 losses and with a little luck could receive a BCS bid (total joke). Your worst school (Maryland) is one of three schools from major conferences to already be eliminated from bowl contention. As a conference, for what seems like the 10th year in a row, you've failed to turn solid recruiting classes (VT, Miami, FSU, North Carolina) into on-the-field-talent. You suck. All non-ACC schools hate you for having a BCS bid.

Big 12 - Texas is your best school, and remains undefeated although they've played poorly this year. What does that say about your conference? The North division is again a total joke, currently led by Kansas State (really?). Nebraska again looks great one weekend and terrible another. Mizzou looks awful after putting together an excellent early season resume. Oklahoma fans should contemplate suicide as they have completely fallen apart this year, even after their stars chose to return (not their fault that they were injured, though).

Big East - I can't take you seriously since your basketball division has like 20 teams and your football division has like 5 teams. How does this happen? I demand an NCAA investigation. Cincinnati and Pitt have been very impressive thus far - but then you start to remember that it's Cincinnati and Pitt and want to cry. Syracuse is again terrible and is the only way that Greg Robinson keeps his job at Michigan next year. The entire city of Louisville still wants to light Bobby Petrino on fire, while WVU seemingly will get over the Rich Rod exodus very soon.

Big Ten - Two of your three best teams (PSU and OSU) are capable of losing to any team in the division on a given week. If Iowa loses another game you will rival the ACC for "team that deserves to be here least" in a BCS bowl game. Until Michigan returns to glory (if ever), your conference will continue to be a joke. In fact, this will probably be the case until cold weather teams start to beat warm weather teams, if that ever happens. If Rich Rod has proven anything, it's that warm weather kids hate playing in cold weather - when will he stop recruiting Florida kids and start focusing on the Midwest? Terrelle Pryor continues to believe killing people is OK - just not opposing players on the football field (teammates however are fair game).

Pac 10 - Holy crapshoot, Batman. USC has more talent than any other program but still manages to choke away an easy game (Washington) and blow away a crucial game (Oregon). Oregon looks like front-runners until they lose to Stanford and everyone remembers that Boise State is a better team. Arizona and Stanford are bright spots, but lack the talent to be effective on the national stage against other conferences. Washington State is 1-8.

SEC - Again, the only "real" conference in college football. And trust me, I hate writing that. BUT - they are not real as all the outsiders would like to think. Yes, Florida and Alabama will likely play again for the Nationa... err, SEC Championship, but where are the other teams? Ole Miss was #4 in the preseason rankings but sits at 6-3. They are hands down the most disappointing team in the land this year, and that's not good for the conference. Florida is not as good as advertised, and Alabama has found success by signing 35 kids every year and then having the misfits magically disappear throughout the season (this is the sketchiest and dirtiest tactic deployed by any school in the NCAA). LSU is having a down year and lacks the offensive firepower to be a legit threat. Georgia is a huge disappointment and Tennessee continues to suck on Phil Fullmer's departed dick.

Where We Are Headed

If I were a gambling man, things would play out like this:

ACC - Georgia Tech holds on and "treats" a nationally televised audience to one of the most boring BCS games of all time.

Big 12 - Texas runs the table, benefiting from a weak conference. They are blown out in the national title game.

Big East - Cincinnati goes undefeated and finishes third. People are reminded of Auburn in 2003 and eventually Congress rules the BCS to be "unconstitutional" or something like that, and finally every college football fan gets what they want - a playoff system. Cinci also wins their BCS bowl game.

Big Ten - Iowa backs into the Rose Bowl by losing to OSU, but then celebrating as OSU chokes away the Michigan game. RR saves his job for one more year by winning the Pizza Bowl game.

Pac 10 - Oregon hangs on by a thread and blows out Iowa in the Rose Bowl. The Rose Bowl continues to wish for better days - like when Vince Young graced its presence with last second wins over USC and Michigan.

SEC - Alabama gets its revenge on Florida and plays Texas for the National Title. They win. Handily.

TCU and Boise State go undefeated and one makes a bowl game (probably Boise State), seeing as how they won't leapfrog a one-loss Florida or Alabama. TCU fans bitch and moan, but then remembers they are the 15th most popular program in Texas (including high schools) and shuts the fuck up.

College basketball is again in full force when the bowl games roll around and fans nationwide continue to think "why do we care about these bowls again"?

Playoff system by 2012.

Get Low

Via a friend of mine (JBaby) for KLang.

NFL Picks - Week 9

Miami (+10.5) over NEW ENGLAND. Simply too many points here. If the Dolphins were a bad team (see: Tennessee) this would be easy money betting on the Pats. Unfortunately they are not a bad team, but not a really good team either. This is a good spread, IMO. I'll take Miami since I don't think New England scores a ton of points.

JACKSONVILLE (-6.5) over Kansas City. Another game I want to barf on more than I want to bet on. I think MJD scores a couple of TDs in this game and the Jags win by 7-10 points.

Baltimore (-3) over CINCINNATI. This game puts the Bengals into "pretender" land instead of "contender". I like what Baltimore has done over the past few weeks. Getting Ray Rice and Joe Flacco in the same draft is going to carry this team for the next five years - in which they should win a Super Bowl assuming they can replace some of their older players (Ray Lewis I'm looking at you) on D.

Green Bay (-10) over TAMPA BAY. I like this bet a lot. I think this is a case of "Vegas can't put the line high enough for Tampa Bay". If it were -14.5 I would think about betting on the Bucs, but they are the worst team in football right now, so why are they only laying 10 points to a team with a deadly offense? I don't get it.

Arizona (+3) over CHICAGO. I think Cutler has a down game here, and Warner has a decent one. That's really my only reasoning here. It also helps that somehow Arizona's RBs have been more effective than Forte this year. Very odd.

ATLANTA (-9.5) over Washington. Washington is bad. Atlanta is not.

Houston (+9) over INDY. I like what Schaub has been doing this year - the best QB pick without a doubt in fantasy football. Andre Johnson should be healed up for this game and the Colts are without Marlin Jackson, Bob Sanders, and Anthony Gonzalez (aka the Big 10 special).

NEW ORLEANS (-13) over Carolina. I'm going to call this my lock of the week. Jake Delhomme is picked three times and Brees throws for 3 TDs. The three headed monster of NO backs scores a couple of TDs in route to a big win here. Steve Smith agains contemplating putting a bounty on Delhomme's head.

SEATTLE (-10) over Detroit. Quest field is a tough place to play and the Lions are bad and banged up (will Kevin Smith or Calvin Johnson play? Why would they?). Seattle big here. Hasselbeck with a nice fantasy day (250 plus yards and 2-3 TDs).

SAN FRANCISCO (-4) over Tennessee. In the words of Bill Simmons, "are we really that afraid of Chris Johnson?" He's had two amazing games this year, and surprisingly, TEN only covered in one of those games. San Fran's D is legit, and their passing attack is much better with Smith. Crabtree is doing unbelievable things for a rookie WR holdout as well.

San Diego (+4.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS. Philip Rivers birthday given that the Giants' secondary is so bad / banged up. Big day for him.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over Dallas. I'm predicting a bad day for Romo here. McNabb does enough to win this game. Miles Austin - I hate you.

DENVER (+3) over Pittsburgh. I think Pitt is the better team, but Denver is solid as well and getting points at home? That should be enough of a reason to take them here.

Early Season Fantasy Basketball Review

Players I Wish I Had I Drafted:

1) Carmelo Anthony. I bet he finishes with better fantasy numbers than Danny Granger. Even though he was taken 2-3 rounds later. He's on fire this season and it's an extension of what he did last year. Undoubtedly having Billups (his first real PG) helps him a ton, plus he seems motivated for the first time in his career. I think Denver was not just benefitting "everything going right for them last season" as Bill Simmons would write, but a character change from adding Billups / Carmelo taking his game to the next level.

2) Kevin Martin. Who else from Sacramento is going to score? Anyone? He could average 30 points a game this year, as well as 3 three pointers per game. That would be huge for a guy you didn't have to take in the first three rounds.

3) Channing Frye. 4.3 threes per game from a PF/C? You have to be kidding me. Eventually this has to drop off, but damn - that's something you can't ignore. He's also getting minutes (30 per game) and was basically undrafted in most leagues. He might be worth more than Amare this year. No joke.

4) Larry Hughes. It's been a crazy NBA season thus far when you see Hughes and Frye on this list. Why do I like him? He's getting minutes (38 per game, wow), and turning them into points (19 pg), threes (2 pg), rebounds (4), assists (4), and steals (3). Could cool off later in the year, but again - this is a waiver wire guy who's in the top 10.

5) Louis Williams. Should have seen this coming with the Andre Miller departure. He's not getting enough assists (5 per game), but making up for that in points, rebounds, threes, steals, and very high percentages (over .600 FG% thus far - amazing). He will cool off has his FGs stop dropping, but definitely a top 10 PG this year.

Others - Danilo Gallinari, Marc Gasol, Andre Blatche, and Aaron Brooks. All guys that you could have had in the 10th round or later that are currently putting up third round or better production. All are getting solid minutes, too. Danilo is the wild card here as I don't trust the Knicks too much, but the others will be solid guys that will help you win a title this year.

Guys I'd Hit the Panic Button On

1) Danny Granger. Sure the points are there (over 26 per game), but where are the rebounds (4.5 pg) and assists (2 pg)? He'll be a top 50 player no doubt, but top 5? I don't think so. And he was being drafted there. In fact, one guy took him #1 overall in one of my drafts. He'll be regretting that all year.

2) Amare Stoudemire. Getting drafted around 10th this year - he won't put up that production. People are starting to realize he's not all that he's cracked up to be, and with the emergence of Channing Frye (the future in Phoenix, seeing as how Amare will leave this summer) he loses value. I expect him to be in the 50th-75th range this year. A total fantasy team killer.

3) Caron Butler. 10.5 points per game in two games thus far. Not good. I never thought he deserved a high draft pick in the first place (top 30) given that Arenas aka Captain Ballhog was going to be back. What I'm wondering right now though is how he has managed to score 21 points this season thus far without having Jamison there to steal away scoring opportunities. And Washington sucks.

4) Andre Miller. Taken in the top 70 in many drafts and he isn't fitting in at all with his new team. This is the first player on the list I might actually consider dropping. He's a horrible fit with his new team (not even starting) and it doesn't look like it's going to get better. 6 points per game and 3 assists. That's what you've gotten him thus far. Terrible.

5) T.J. Ford. Taken in the top 100 but putting up 350ish stats thus far. His minutes are down (20 per game), and his stats aren't good at all - percentages suck, not scoring, and not dishing. Doesn't seem to be fitting in well with Indiana right now as Danny Granger attempts to take all the shots.

Others: Darko.

Every Blog Needs Some Lil Wayne

I can't decide if this is garbage or pure awesomeness. I think it's pure awesomness. He has to be so high for this entire song.

NFL Picks - Week 8

BUFFALO (+3.5) over Houston. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ryan Fitzpatrick era in Buffalo. I like Lynch in this game as he finally puts Fred Jackson into the background. I also like the fact that Buffalo put away Carolina last week, and Houston is overrated after last week's win.

NEW YORK JETS (-3.5) over Miami. In this matchup, I would always take the home team. The Jets looked much better against the Raiders last week, and I think that continues in this game. If the weather is bad, I think Miami struggles in cold New Jersey.

San Francisco (+13) over INDIANAPOLIS. I think Indy can win this game by 14, but not much more. That is the major reason I am taking San Fran here. Other reasons? Reggie Wayne's injury, the emergence of Alex Smith, the addition of Michael Crabtree, and the fact that the Niners have beaten some good teams this year and should have beat Minny (their only real outlier is the Atlanta game).

Seattle (+10) over DALLAS. Dallas is too inconsistent this year to take them -10 in this game. Yes, Miles Austin is on fire and gives Romo a legit passing target. However, I think the rest of his season unfolds like Steve Smith's (NYG) - a couple of huge games, but eventually the defense begins to scheme on him and he becomes "solid" not "superstar". I also like Seattle's passing attack enough to cover this spread.

CHICAGO (-13) over Cleveland. The Browns have covered this spread against winning teams 0 times this year, and tied it once (Steelers). They have lost by more than 13 points to Minnesota, Denver, Baltimore, and Green Bay. Chicago is a winning team and continues this streak. Plus they are pissed off after last week's ass whipping. I will say that Cleveland is unfortunate so far this year for playing so many good teams.

Denver (+3) over BALTIMORE. Baltimore just hasn't played that well against good teams this year. They covered against San Diego, but wouldn't have covered against Cinci, Minny, or New England. Granted, two of those three games were on the road against great teams. Denver, however, is a great team (undefeated in fact) and I think they push at worst here.

PHILADELPHIA (pick) over New York Giants. The GMen haven't played well against good teams this year. Against teams with a winning record, they are 1-2 and their one win was by 2 points over Dallas. Philly is a tough place to play and having McCoy as a backup to Westbrook won't hurt them much. Their WR corp is explosive and should provide at least one big TD against a banged up Giants secondary.

SAN DIEGO (-17.5) over Oakland. I think the game Oakland played against the Eagles was a total outlier. Getting 17.5 points this year, Oakland is 3-4 this year, including a win against the spread week 1 against these Chargers. I think the Chargers are a better team now, and they are playing at home. Rivers has a huge day here and Russell is pulled at half time.

Jacksonville (+3) over TENNESSEE. This is my lock of the week. The Titans haven't won a game, their owner wants Young while their coach wants the Alcoholic, and their defense is dreadful. I think MJD, Garrard, and Holt have big games here. The only chance the Titans have is if Chris Johnson has a huge day (100+ yards, 2 TDs) and whichever QB they choose steps up.

ARIZONA (-10) over Carolina. Another solid pick here. Arizona has proven that they are legit and will likely avoid the "Super Bowl loser curse" this year. Carolina has Jake Delhomme and lost by more than 10 points to the Bills last week. Steve Smith might kill Delhomme this offseason. I think the line in Vegas is 5-1.

Minnesota (+3) over GREEN BAY. Against winning teams this year, giving 3 points, Green Bay would be 1-1-1. In other words, this game is a toss up. I wouldn't bet on it, at all. If Favre shows up - the Vikings cover. If Rodgers plays like Favre in '96, the Packers win. Ultimately Favre's play and the play of the Green Bay O-Line will determine who wins this one.

Atlanta (+10) over NEW ORLEANS. The Superdome is a very tough place to play, but I think 10 points is too much here. A better line would be 7-8 points, in which case I might bet on the Saints. Reggie Bush's prediction of an undefeated regular season works against the Saints in this case and Atlanta has another one of those "well maybe they are one of the best teams in the NFC" games.

Last Week: 7-7
Year-to-Date: 53-34-1

2009-2010 NBA Futures

To follow up to my last post. Here are some bets I would make on the NBA futures market (no particular order).

L.A. Lakers: 2.5-1 (20 units)
Boston Celtics: 4.5-1 (10 units)
Orlando Magic: 8-1 (20 units)
San Antonio Spurs: 9-1 (25 units)
Atlanta Hawks: 40-1 (3 units)
Chicago Bulls: 50-1 (2 units)
OKC Thunder: 250-1 (2 units)

If they win, you win... (please note the number of units bet in the above scenario is 82)

L.A. Lakers: (32) units - it's a hedge bet
Boston Celtics: (37) units - another hedge
Orlando Magic: 78 units (huge upside)
San Antonio Spurs: 143 units (wow!!)
Atlanta Hawks: 38 units (not bad)
Chicago Bulls: 18 units (sort of a hedge, just in case the bulls go crazy)
OKC Thunder: 418 units (not a good chance of hitting, but interesting nonetheless)

And if the Cavs win, you effectively lose 82 units.

2009-2010 NBA Landscape: Round 1

Over the course of the season I'll take a look at the best teams in the Western and Eastern Conferences and offer up my reasons as to why they could win the title this year.

Western Conference

The Favorites

LA Lakers

Reasons to Love Them: Kobe looked like he hasn't lost a step in the first game this season. Bynum is healthy and effective. Odom doesn't look distracted by his long term contract extension and marriage to the ugliest Kardashian on the face of the planet. Easily beat the Clippers without their second best player, Gasol. Very deep bench. Best coach in basketball.

Reasons to Hate Them: Was I the only one who thought Artest looked like a corpse jogging up and down the floor the other night? He is a definite downgrade from Ariza. Bynum is bound to get hurt again at some point. Chemistry issues with playing Bynum/Gasol/Odom/Artest when all are healthy.

Current Odds to Win It All: 5-2.

My Odds to Win It All: 3-1, so 5-2 isn't too bad but doesn't provide much value. They won last year even when Bynum went down. X-Factor in their possible collapse is clearly Ron Corpse.

San Antonio Spurs

Reasons to Love Them: Deeper than the Lakers, Parker in his prime, Duncan and Manu clearly have something left in the tank, and best offseason of any NBA team. I also forgot to mention that GPop is quite an excellent coach and might be better than Phil Jackson. They also slaughtered the Hornets last night. Very impressive.

Reasons to Hate Them: Two of their three best players are old and clearly past their prime - will they be able to hold up for an entire season? Will the significant additions of new players be too much for the team to handle come playoff time? GPop's beard.

Current Odds to Win It All: 9-1. A fucking steal.

My Odds to Win It All: 3-1. I would bet on the Spurs. At least $100.

The Darkhorse

Denver Nuggets

Reasons to Love Them: Full year of having Billups on the team, Nene looks healthy, Ty Lawson looks like a draft day steal, and Carmelo's huge game last night in which he proclaimed "I'm Back". This is a team that tasted success in last year's playoffs and should use that valuable experience to mount a similar run this year. Also, Birdman.

Reasons to Hate Them: George Karl has historically fallen off in the year after reaching a conference final. Will undoubtedly lose the team a few games by guarding the inbounds guy (Lamar Odom) with his smallest point guard (this year - Ty Lawson).

Current Odds to Win It All: 12-1. Seems about right

My Odds to Win It All: 10-1. They had just about everything go right for them last year and were flushed out in the Western Conference finals. Perhaps the same this year.

Eastern Conference

The Favorites

Boston Celtics

Reasons to Love Them: The best team in basketball right now. Garnett looks healthy enough to have a good shot at lasting the entire season, Allen and Pierce still have gas left in the tank, Rondo is one of the 5 best PGs in the league, and Sheed looks motivated to help this team. Also, the best defensive team in the league right now.

Reasons to Hate Them: They aren't young and if Garnett goes down - it's over. They also resigned Big Baby - something I bet they wished they didn't do at this point. If the old men legs of their big three fall apart like they did last year - they'll be relying on Rondo to carry them in the playoffs again. And since he doesn't have a three point shot - good luck.

Current Odds to Win It All: 9-2. About right.

My Odds to Win It All: 5-1. I have some serious doubts about Garnett lasting the entire season, and Pierce and Allen being able to keep up the pace throughout the playoffs. But, with healthy legs right now - this is the best team in the game.

Orlando Magic

Reasons to Love Them: Dwight Howard is a legit threat to win the NBA MVP this year, Vince Carter looks like he gives a damn (and clearly has gas left in the tank), Nelson is healthy and a top 10 PG in the NBA, they killed the Sixers without their 3rd best player (Lewis), and clearly have a very deep bench.

Reasons to Hate Them: Will Vince be able to keep it up all year? Will these players come together under SVG (aka Ron Jeremy)? Can you win with a big man who can't shoot free throws (Howard)? How will Jameer perform in the playoffs? A lot of questions for this team, but clearly their ceiling is quite high.

Current Odds to Win It All: 8-1

My Odds to Win It All: 4-1. I think they have a good shot given their talent. Getting rid of Hedo won't hurt them at all (his defense was a major reason why the Lakers beat the Magic - hello Derek Fisher Three).

Cleveland Cavaliers

Reasons to Love Them: LeBron. They made it pretty far last year. They added Shaq.

Reasons to Hate Them: Mike Brown is a terrible coach. They've added one off players (Shaq, Mo Williams, some random foreign player(s) I can't remember) every year that don't work together. LeBron is undoubtedly leaving after this season. Having three centers (Shaq, Z, Sideshow Bob), and no PF is not a good thing.

Current Odds to Win It All: 3-1. LeBron is good.

My Odds to Win It All: 10-1. I just don't see it. The Magic and the Celtics are better team and the Celts proved it already this year by spanking the LeBrons on their home floor. Oh, and they just lost to the Raptors as well. Not good.

The Darkhorse

None. I was going to put the Chicago Bulls here, but then I found out they are at 50-1 odds. Just not good enough. The next best team in the Eastern Conference is the Atlanta Hawks, but at 40-1 odds, I just couldn't put them here either.

NBA Championship: Spurs over Magic, 6 games.

Why? It's so hard to repeat in the NBA these days. I think Artest self destructs in the Western Conference Finals (similar to what he did for the Rockets last year) and the Spurs bench outscores the Lakers bench to beat them in 6. Boston crumbles against Orlando (just like last year) and Orlando becomes the "new Detroit" by making the NBA championship but falling short. If they played the Lakers - they would beat them.

When is there too much of a good (or bad) thing?

And how does it relate to football?

The life of a rock star (without the rock band) can be quite similar to the life of an NFL GM with a quarterback who is terrible.

1) You keep telling yourself you don't have a problem.

Rock Star: You go out 4+ nights per week in college - blackout, do drugs, and have unprotected sex. This is absolutely normal (no pot calling the kettle black here). The question is, at what age does this start becoming a problem? 25? 30? Probably somewhere in there. Whenever banging a "college freshman" turns into "40 year old with a husband in jail and 2 or 3 kids", then it's both awesome and a problem.

NFL GM: You've resigned Jake Delhomme to a mega contract, drafted JaMarcus Russell, kept Kerry Collins, went with Derek Anderson, or drafted Mark Sanchez as the "future". You thought you were a genius. Little did you know if you were a GM for the Panthers, Raiders, Titans, Browns, and Jets, you'd have an average QB rating of 53.6 and a total record of 9-23 (please note I didn't include Tampa or St. Louis which would drive that record to 9-37). You thought you were smart by protecting your starting QB with absolute crap (can you name me the backup QB for one of these teams outside of Brady Quinn and Vince Young? Both failed college superstars, btw). In the end, a six shooter with a bullet looks like a better option here.

2) You fear an intervention on a weekly basis.

Rock Star: You keep telling yourself those TV cameras are really here to video tape you doing "rock star things without the rock band". You let people video tape you binge drinking, popping pills, and sleeping with moms. After a few weeks you end up in a small hotel room surrounded by family members and close friends, being duped into the whole thing by some random mom who was going to let you "put it in her butt at the local motel 6". You freak out and end up getting on a plane to Florida where you'll spend the next 6 months rehabbing (or one month if you end up beating up or fucking an employee).

NFL GM: Just call it the post game news conference every week, explaining why you failed to add another QB through the draft and went with your shitty QB. Watching highlights of Joe Flacco and Chad Henne (both of whom you absolutely could have drafted a few years back) haunts you. You take a cold shower every Sunday night before going to sleep (no, your wife won't have sex with you, as she can barely stand looking at your face). Every Monday you think about how you can save your job and come up with nothing. Next season you'll be divorced, lose your rights to the kids, and be thinking of ways to dupe another professional team to hire you.

3) You keep on keepin' on.

Rock Star: You find a family member who is in his or her 40's or 50's and compare your life to theirs. Luckily, they are an even bigger mess than you are, so you can say to yourself "at least I'm not as bad as Uncle Frank, who has had 3 wives, 4 kids who hate his guts, probably 2-3 STD's, and a liver that looks like Mickey Mantle's". Thank God for Uncle Frank.

NFL GM: You realize you're only in your second year, your owner is senile (hello Al Davis), and the owner's family is too retarded to realize you are doing a horrible job. You then realize you can always get a job as an NBA GM, seeing as how Memphis' Chris Wallace still has a job, and Isiah Thomas had a long run with the Knicks (even survived a sex scandal - bonus points).

Top 10 Things Women Can Do to Attract Men

10) Consistently pimp your Farmville/Mafia Wars/etc. games on Facebook. Not only does this tell us you have too much time on your hands, but that you are also probably easily distracted, lazy, and gained more than 20 pounds since high school. You probably also lack a large number of real friends - something guys really look for in the love of their life.

9) Drugs. All men love a girl who isn't afraid to get her nose a little dirty. A coke problem probably means she's skinny enough to show her off to your friends, while a pill problem means she's probably sedated enough to not bitch you out every 10 minutes.

8) Lower Back Tattoos. Nothing says "this is the love of my life" like seeing a girl with a tattoo on her lower back. Actually, it really says "I've either slept with over 30 men or I was at one point a stripper". I once dated a girl with about ~4 tattoos and she had slept with over 20 people and DIDN'T have a lower back tattoo. At this point 90% of guys know a tattoo on the lower back = whore, so if you've got one, you're bound to attract the opposite sex.

7) Purchase Designer Handbags and Sunglasses. Nothing says classy like a woman who still works an hourly job, with no college degree, but still rocks a Gucci bag with D&G sunglasses. Don't worry ladies, us men are stupid and realize that when you're making a solid $15K a year and spending about $2K of that on pure crap, you won't blow our money if we end up getting married.

6) Have lots of Guy Friends and Practically no Girl Friends. Don't worry baby, us men won't be able to put two and two together and realize that lots of guy friends = greater chance for you to cheat. Nor will we care about your inability to get along with other girls. That won't ever be a major problem.

5) Put out on the First Date. Again, a real winner for proving you are marriage material. This works especially well if "first date" is really "I met you at a bar, we talked about 5 minutes, discussing something I don't remember, and then we banged at my place". Preferably no condom, either. STDs are more myth than reality. +5 bonus points if you are a squirter.

4) Develop a Solid Drinking Problem. Nothing says love like an addiction to alcohol. Who really needs a liver anyway? Hell, by the time we're 50, you'll be able to get a new liver from some amazing medical breakthrough, so fuck it. The increase in your weight from drinking every day of the week will simply create "more cushion for the pushin" and won't create any problems at all.

3) Wear Lots of Makeup. I'm not talking about just a long routine of "putting on your face". What I really mean here is putting on so much makeup that whenever you don't have any on, we begin to think about beer goggles, even though we were sober the entire time. Every man loves to date a clown face.

2) Complain about your Period. Nothing says love like telling a man what it is really like to be having your period. We love knowing the fact that sex is out of the question, and all about how disgusting it would be to accidentally sleep with you and be "perioded".

1) Become a "Baby Momma". All men love taking care of another man's kid. It's like watching football on Sundays - we love it that much. If you're able to have 3 or 4 kids from 3 or 4 different fathers, even the better. That won't scare men away at all. Better yet, your kids won't be teased in school whenever their classmates find out their mom is a whore.

2009-2010 Fantasy Basketball Season Preview

Alright, going to go through a lot of different categories here:

General Strategy

PGs and SF early.

The quality of PGs drops off dramatically after the 5th round. You don't want to be taking Mo Williams in Round 6 or Andre Miller in Round 7, do you? Speaking of PGs, I think the rankings this year are totally out of whack on ESPN. I wouldn't take Billups (19), Kidd (28) over Rondo (29), Calderon (30), or Harris (31). And I sure wouldn't risk Arenas (32) over Rose (36). I also like Westbrook at 49. I'd take him at 40 if he were there, actually.

SFs are a similar story. Do you really want to overspend on Hedo (62), Artest (65), or Marion (78)? Does it scare you that those three are the 9th, 10th, and 12th SFs taken on an average draft position basis? It sure scares me as I don't want any of those on my team. It also doesn't help the position that there really aren't any good late sleepers here, although Ariza (90) and Al Thornton (119) might provide good value.

C, PF, and SG late. Examples of these types of players you can get in rounds 8 and later:

C: Horford (8th), Bogut (10th), Sheed (10th), Oden (11th), Noah (11th), Kaman (11th), Dalembert (12th), Chandler (12th), and Hibbert (13th). (Also note that you can get both Bynum and Okafor in round 7, which isn't bad value either)

PF: Bargnani (8th), Diaw (8th), Blake Griffin (8th), Scola (9th), Anthony Randolph (9th), Millsap (9th), Odom (10th), Love (11th), and Beasley (11th)

SG: JRichardson (8th), Jason Terry (8th), John Salmons (8th), Manu (9th), JR Smith (9th), Josh Howard (9th), Rip Hamilon (9th), Barbosa (12th), Hinrich (12th), Ronnie Brewer (12th), Rudy Fernandez (13th) (Also note that Eric Gordon is available in round 7, which is insane value)

Lots of solid players out there in the later rounds for these positions. And guess what? In fantasy basketball you win your league based on how your top players produce and who nails the later rounds with solid performers / sleepers. Not a lot of solid performers/sleepers out there for the PG and SF position this year, so make sure to get them early.

Auction League Strategy

Pay top dollar for the 6 big players (Lebron, Paul, Durant, Kobe, Wade, and Granger), get cheap players later.

I recently spent about 90% of my salary on five players in an auction draft and the quality of players you will be able to get with the last 10% of your salary will amaze you. I ended up getting "scrubs" such as Ray Allen, Tony Parker, Villanueva, Chalmers, Bogut, Kirilenko, and Brad Miller.

Sleepers (Note: Only looking at 6th round and later)

Andrew Bynum (7th Round): Look, if he can stay healthy all year he's going to average 20/10 with a couple of blocks. That is approx. what Tim Duncan did last year and he's a 2nd round pick this year (with most people expecting a slight drop off). Whenever Bynum is healthy he's a second round talent. If he blows out his knee again in January this year, hopefully he's helped your team to a solid record over the course of 8-12 weeks and you can afford losing your 7th round pick. Lots of upside here and little downside here for a 7th round pick (when I believe he was a 3rd/4th round pick last year).

Eric Gordon (7th Round): His averages last year aren't as good as they should be because he spent the first month of the season on the bench. I don't think he'll score as much as he did last year when he started (hello resurgent Baron Davis and Blake Griffin), but he'll produce more assists and rebounds. A great value here - I think he's a 4th round / 5th round talent at worst.

Al Horford / Blake Griffin / Luis Scola (8th/9th Rounds): I like all of these guys about the same. They should produce some points (lesser so in Horford's case), rebounds (all strong), and blocks (lesser so for Griffin). They should also have excellent percentages (especially Scola). They won't win you the league, but they can be counted on to provide solid numbers throughout the year (with a little bit of an injury concern for Horford and Griffin).

Anthony Randolph (9th Round): Shouldn't be a surprise here. This guy is a lock for 15 points, 10 rebounds, and a couple of blocks per game if he gets the minutes he deserves.

Joakim Noah (11th Round): Has absolutely been tearing it up in the preseason this year after impressing in the playoffs last year. I think he's good for about 10-12 points and 10-15 rebounds per game. Add in a couple of blocks and you're set for a late round center pick. Percentages won't be great, however.

Nate Robinson (11th Round): 11th round pick for 6th round talent? I'll buy that. I don't think his numbers are any worse than last year. In turnover leagues he's even more valuable because he just doesn't turn the ball over. I would draft him more as a SG than a PG seeing as how he has a high number of Threes and a low number of assists.

Tyreke Evans (12th Round): My pick for Rookie of the Year, barely edging out Blake Griffin. This guy can do it all (which appearently includes killing people, on and off the court). I think his percentages are a little low, but he can score, grab boards, get assists, and generate steals and blocks. Great value here for someone that could be a 3rd round pick next year.

Busts (Note: Only looking at 5th round and earlier)

Bosh / Amare / Al Jefferson (Late 1st / Early 2nd): I seriously hope I don't draft at #10 through #12 this year in our "pay" league. I don't like any of these guys. I guess I'd take Bosh first since he represents the least risk, while Jefferson has the most upside. I'm not taking Amare unless he falls to the third round. Jefferson's ability to come back from the achilles injury scares me a lot and that is why he is here. Bosh doesn't get enough blocks (1.0 per game) to justify his high draft status.

Kevin Garnett (2nd Round): I'm not taking him this year at all. He has staples in his knee, man. I don't see him returning to form. Getting 15 points and 7 rebounds per game out of him would be generous. In fact, I'd rather have Luis Scola on my team this year. He'll be ranked higher at season's end - mark my words.

Gilbert Arenas (4th Round): I'm not betting my fourth round pick on someone who is either going to make or break my season on a crappy team in DC. Does not make any sense to me whatsoever to take him in front of D Rose.

David Lee (4th Round): I won't be spending a fourth round pick on someone who gets average points (~16 per game) and a bunch of rebounds. Rebounds are plentiful, especially among PFs who are available in later rounds. If Kevin Love weren't hurt to start the season, I'd take him over Lee. And he was going in round 10 BEFORE his injury. Way too high for Lee here, especially given the fact that it took the Knicks so long to resign him during the offseason.

Ben Gordon (5th Round): Too much depth at SG this year to justify taking him this early. Also, when you think about it - he's a SG and so is Rip Hamilton. This could be bad news for Gordon's fantasy season. We all know how well the Iverson/Rip thing worked out last year. Not good.

NFL Picks - Week 7

Minnesota (-5) over PITTSBURGH. What am I missing here? Yeah, Minnesota couldn't cover last week at home after falling apart in the fourth quarter. Pittsburgh does this every week. Would not surprise me at all if Minny is down 10, scores a TD with 5 minutes to go and that is the final score of the game. Do the math. Pittsburgh by 3.

New England (-14.5) over Tampa Bay. This game is being played in London, so it's not really a home game for Tampa Bay. That also explains why the spread is so large. Look, I think TB has a good chance of covering this since the spread is so large and there are a lot of variables when playing across the pond. The main reason I'm going with the Pats here is they lit the Titans on fire last week, in the freaking snow. Either Tom Brady is back, or that was one of the weirdest one-off blips in NFL history. I think he's back.

San Diego (-5) over KANSAS CITY. I must have gone back and forth on this game 5 times. Stay away. The Chargers are 2-3 and the Chiefs are fresh off covering their last two games. This looks like a KC cover until you remember what Philip Rivers did to them last year in KC. I'll take Rivers here with a big fourth quarter and a "dirty cover".

San Francisco (+3) over HOUSTON. San Francisco is legit and that last game where they pooped the bed was just a random blip. Houston is too inconsistent to bet on right now unless you like having chest pains.

Green Bay (-9) over CLEVELAND. Not buying into Cleveland one bit even though they covered their last two games. I don't think they have the defensive pressure to stop Aaron "Suddenly I'm a legit Top 5 NFL QB" Rodgers.

Indianapolis (-13.5) over ST. LOUIS. Peyton Manning just scored another touchdown.... And they get Bob Sanders back for this game. Bad news for the Rams offense.

New York Jets (-6.5) over OAKLAND. Not buying the Oakland win and huge cover last week. In the end they still barely scored any points, 7 of which were on a joke Zach Miller blown play long TD. Andy Reid was probably more focused on where his Sunday morning cheeseburger was coming from than scheming against the Oakland D.

CAROLINA (-7) over Buffalo. Might as well bet big on Buffalo as any time I bet on Carolina this year they fail me. I'm buying them because their RB duo is better than Buffalo's and looked amazing last week. If Delhomme can only throw 10 times and both Stewart and Williams have over 100 yards rushing again, Carolina covers easily.

Atlanta (+4) over DALLAS. Am I missing something here? I feel like this might be the second coming of the Atlanta at NE game, where Atlanta never really had a chance. But Dallas is awful this year, right? I'll bet on it. This is my lock of the week. In fact, forget the points, and bet big on Atlanta straight up. They could win by 14+.

Chicago (+1) over CINCINNATI. Cutler will bounce back after last week's affair even if Forte continues his epic Sophomore slump. Also, I just don't trust Cinci this year.

New Orleans (-6.5) over MIAMI. Took a lot of time thinking about this one. On one hand, you have Miami, who looks much better at home and found a way to win against the Jets a couple of weeks ago. On the other hand, you have the Saints, who have won every game this year by at least 14 points. I'll take the Saints, barely.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-7) over Arizona. Arizona struggles when having to travel East and the Giants are looking to vindicate being embarrassed by New Orleans last week. I think this is a close one, so I wouldn't recommend betting on it with a high level of confidence.

Philadelphia (-7) over WASHINGTON. Not buying into Washington for the rest of the year after their loss to KC last week. Philly did lose to Oakland, but I'll call that a minor blip on the radar. Philly big in this one.

Weekend in Review

Not good. I'm not even going to post the numbers right now because they are just awful.

I feel like the guy who tried to get away with this (so close yet so far away):

Top 10 Worst Choices for a College

Please note that I have excluded all of those small schools on the east coast. I am neither extremely wealthy, nor was I a total loser in high school, but frankly - I don't know the names of a lot of them and don't care to do the research.

10) Emerson College - Recently voted the #1 college in terms of "worst crime rating", and we're not talking "hey man, the kid down the hall stole my bong" type of crimes. Oh, and did you know it was smack dab in the middle of a shitty area of Boston? I know what you're saying, "Aren't all areas of Boston shitty?", and yes they are, but this one is a particular squat patty.

9) Brown - Congratulations, you've just been admitted to the shittiest school in the Ivy League. Might as well call this college "Poop U".

8) Notre Dame - Unless you are Catholic and totally into either: A) Not having sex or B) Having sex with an ugly girl, you're probably not going to like Notre Dame. Yes, the diploma is nice to have, but is the risk of being devoured by Charlie Weis really worth it? I once saw him eat a man's dick. It was in international waters.

7) Texas - If you're from Texas, that's great - go there. Better than Texas Tech or that school in the football movie with Scott Balaka and Sin Bad. But if you're from out of state - I caution you to think of the following question: "Have I ever met anyone from Texas and did I like them?". Barring the obvious "Yes, because she was a hot blond that gave me the best rim job of my life", the answer is most likely "No". People from Texas think they are entitled to something, so it's best to just let them be.

6) Any school that pays white people to come there: Grambling, Southern, etc. - I'm not racist, don't get me wrong - I just don't have 95% interracial friends. Going here could lead to an awkward moment freshman year when you drop the soap next to your buddy, Bubba. That won't feel good.

5) Western New Mexico - Welcome to Western New Mexico, where there is cacti, snakes, and rapists. The reason I put them on here? 5.9% graduation rate. How is that possible?

4) West Virginia - I'm going out on a limb here and saying they don't have a dental school. And if they did - good luck trying to find a job as a dentist in West Virginia. Big pluses do exist, however. All the Oxycontin you can stomach.

3) Boise State - Guess what? Not a good school. Also, you're going to need to LOVE E or acid in order to enjoy staring at that smurf turf in the fall. I don't know this for an actual fact, but I can't imagine the girls are anything that would make your stoinker go "boing".

2) BYU - Might as well call it "Cult U". I don't know everything about Mormons, nor do I really care to learn, but I think the typical "Drink, fuck, experiment with drugs" thing that college usually provides is frowned upon there. On the positive side, if you were stuck with BYU, you could fake to be a Mormon, and then convince a lot of gullible chicks to fuck/drink/do drugs with you - you'd be a modern day Mormon raider.

1) Ohio State - Congratulations, your football team will ultimately disappoint you at some point, you spend 8 months out of the year in Ohio (one of the shittiest states in the USA), and you probably contracted chlamydia as a freshman. As an added bonus you can take your diploma (assuming you graduate) and use it to wipe your ass, seeing as how no respectable firm will ever hire you.

Fantasy Football Breakdown - Week 6

Trying to take some risks this week instead of just going with the people from the "obvious names" department.

Rising Stars

QB: Aaron Rodgers. Call this the "Law of Facing the Detroit Lions". Although Rodgers is the #4 fantasy QB thus far (including a bye week!), I think he could be doing better. How? His offensive line has been terrible. How do you fix that? Get guys healthy through the bye week and then play the Lions. Big week for Rodgers.

RB: Maurice Jones-Drew. The Rams are not good in any aspect and MJD has a big game here. I don't think I need to say much else.

WR: Roddy White. Finally broke out last week and continues it this week. Playing at home definitely helps.

TE: Antonio Gates. Averaging 15 points per game this year, I think he gets more than that on Monday night. Guy always shows up in big games and Rivers will find him.

D: Eagles D. OK, so this is from the obvious name department. So what? They are playing the Raiders. Home run play here.

Sleepers

QB: David Garrard. He played great in week 4 but sucked it up in week 5. Supposedly he had the flu last week and that was the reason for his demise. Playing in SEA couldn't have helped, but I'll buy the flu thing. What else am I buying? Him playing STL at home this week. Big week for him.

RB: Steven Jackson. Going out on a limb here and predicting at least 80 yards and a TD for Jackson this week.

WR: Dwayne Bowe. He's on my fantasy teams and he looked good last week. Here's hoping he produces big this week. 100 yards and a TD.

TE: Jeremy Shockey. I'll bet he finds the end zone against his former team. It is the first time he's playing the Giants after leaving the team.

D: Redskins D. Perhaps another "obvious name" but there isn't much else out there outside of the top 10.

Duds

QB: Eli Manning. The Saints bring pressure and they are playing the G-Men at home. Manning still has a sore heal, and regardless of their performance thus far, his WRs aren't the most talented in the NFL. I think he struggles here and this game is more of a defensive matchup than people think.

RB: Ray Rice / Willis McGahee. One of the most consistent things in the NFL over the past three years? The Vikings run D. These two are averaging a combined 29 fantasy points per game and I don't think they get there this week. If I were owning these guys, I'd take 10 points and hope for a TD to boost me to 16.

WR: Chad Ochocinco. I don't think he shows up this week. He's averaging about 12 points per game - I'll guess he winds up with around 5.

TE: Chris Cooley. With Samuels out, he will continue to help block and it will hurt his pass reception totals. Even facing the Chiefs this week - I think he continues to suck it up and be a team player.

D: Broncos D. I like the Chargers in this matchup.

NFL Picks - Week 6

WASHINGTON (-6) over Kansas City. I'm buying this "don't fire Jim Zorn" movement by the players. If Jason Campbell can successfully remove his head from his ass, then I think the Redskins easily cover this game. I don't like KC on the road, and I don't like their running game either. Redskins by 7.

NEW ORLEANS (-3) over New York Giants. Tough one to call and it should be a great game but I think the Saints pull this one out. 1) The Superdome is one of the toughest places to play in the NFL. 2) This is the first game the Saints have all three of their RBs fully healthy. 3) Drew Brees is looking to kick it back into gear after his poor performance against the Jets. 4) The Saints are coming off a bye. New Orleans by 10.

TAMPA BAY (+3.5) over Carolina. Steve Smith is banged up and Jake Delhomme sucks - that is why I am taking Tampa here. If I were you, I wouldn't bet on this game though. Too close to call. Carolina by 3.

CINCINNATI (-5) over Houston. Houston has been consistently beat by 7 or more points this year against teams with winning records. That is enough for me to take Cinci in this matchup. Although Cinci looked rough last week against Cleveland, I think they come out of this one with a decent win. Cinci by 10.

MINNESOTA (-3) over Baltimore. I'm buying into Baltimore's recent slide. I think they were overrated at the beginning of the season, while the Vikings seem to have all of the pieces to make a deep playoff run. Peterson, Favre, Harvin, Berrian, and Shiancoe is a pretty freaking solid offensive base and their defense can stop both the run and the pass. Minny by 10.

Cleveland (+14) over PITTSBURGH. I don't see why the Steelers constantly give up points in the fourth quarter but are given two touchdown spreads. Obviously people are overbetting them, which confuses me because they don't cover! The Lions came back to cover last week and I think Cleveland does the same this week. The only hope the Steelers have is something like a 28-7 win in this game, which is possible, but I'll bet against it. Pittsburgh by 10.

JACKSONVILLE (-9.5) over St. Louis. I don't like this Rams team at all - no QB and no WR. All the opposing defense has to do is key on SJax and the STL offense is totally fucked. Garrard bounces back after a rough week last week and finds the former Ram, Torry Holt, for a score. Jacksonville by 17. If I were in a survival pool, I'd take Jax here too.

GREEN BAY (-13.5) over Detroit. No Calvin Johnson = problem for the Lions. Stafford or Culpepper doesn't matter - the Lions won't be able to run the ball as GB should focus on stopping that part of their offense. Rodgers still gets sacked a few times in this game, but not to the extent of the Minny game. Green bay by 17.

Philadelphia (-14) over OAKLAND. I don't think I need to explain this one. Philly is another great choice for a survival pool. The Eagles offense blows up - Philly by 35.

SEATTLE (-3) over Arizona. Seattle, like New Orleans, is a very tough place to play. The 'Hawks looked great last week with Hasselbeck back at the helm and I think they continue to look good against the Cardinals. Seattle by 10.

NEW ENGLAND (-9) over Tennessee. Look, Tennessee is plain awful this year. People were talking about the Dolphins being the one year wonder this year, but it's the Titans, hands down. Kerry Collins is going to need a lot of booze to cover this spread, let alone win the game. Vince Young has no chance. New England by 17.

NEW YORK JETS (-9.5) over Buffalo. The Bills are in turmoil and the Jets are coming off a tough loss on Monday night. What does that mean? The Jets come out fired up and ready to play. Their defense shuts down the Bills dreadful offense and wins this game. NYJ by 14.

ATLANTA (-3.5) over Chicago. Probably the second best game of the week, and another that I wouldn't necessarily bet on. Chicago has looked great since losing their first game, but that's been aided by playing a lot of games at home. Atlanta looked like a Super Bowl-caliber team last week and I think that continues this week. Atlanta by 7.

SAN DIEGO (-3.5) over Denver. Denver's perfect streak ends in San Diego. The Broncos haven't faced much of a test on the road (other than being the benefit of extremely good fortune to beat the Bengals in week 1), and San Diego is a tough team. I could see SD winning by only three, but I'm taking them anyway. San Diego by 4.

Last Week: 7-7

Year-to-Date: 39-20-1

College Football Picks - Week 7

USC (-10) over NOTRE DAME. I just have a feeling about this one. I saw the Weis press conference where he discussed how he had never felt a vibe like this before for a game in South Bend. But in reality, what he has is a dinged up Clausen, a MIA Michael Floyd, and a defense that was shredded by Tate Forcier (so why can't Matt Barkley?). No "Bush Push" needed to win this game. USC by 21.

FLORIDA (-24) over Arkansas. I like this one for several reasons. 1) Everyone is all over Arkansas' jock after they spanked Auburn by 21 points. 2) Florida "only" beat LSU by 10 points last week. 3) When you realize this game is at the Swamp, and Florida was on the road last week and Arkansas was at home, you have to temper last week's results. The Razorbacks ride or die with the arm of Ryan "I fucked 100 girls at Michigan" Mallett, and I think the Florida defense shuts him down. If Florida can score 35 points, this game is an easy cover. Florida by 28.

Virginia Tech (-3) over GEORGIA TECH. A good friend said to me once, "if you have a top 25 team and your defense can't figure out how to stop Ga Tech's scheme, that's fucking pitiful". I agree with him, and guess what? Va Tech always has a great defense. Yes, they only beat Duke by 8 points on the road, but look at their other games since losing to Alabama on opening day. They killed Miami, beat Nebraska, and slaughtered Boston College last week. It seems like it is the same old story with Va Tech every year - lose the first big game of the season (Alabama), kill a bunch of other teams to get back into the top 10, lose one more game, and eventually make a BCS bowl. I see the same thing happening this year. Va Tech by 10.

Miami (-14) over UCF. Is it Christmas already? I don't understand why this spread is not in the twenties. Miami hasn't played as well on the road this year, but it's not like UCF is very far from Coral Gables. Miami by 28.

Kansas (-10) over COLORADO. Not buying Colorado's performance against Texas last week - they are still losers. Kansas has a good squad with a great college QB. That should be enough to cover the spread here. Only way Colorado covers is in a shootout. Kansas by 21.

Last week: 3-2

Year-to-date: 10-12