Top 10 Worst Choices for a College

Please note that I have excluded all of those small schools on the east coast. I am neither extremely wealthy, nor was I a total loser in high school, but frankly - I don't know the names of a lot of them and don't care to do the research.

10) Emerson College - Recently voted the #1 college in terms of "worst crime rating", and we're not talking "hey man, the kid down the hall stole my bong" type of crimes. Oh, and did you know it was smack dab in the middle of a shitty area of Boston? I know what you're saying, "Aren't all areas of Boston shitty?", and yes they are, but this one is a particular squat patty.

9) Brown - Congratulations, you've just been admitted to the shittiest school in the Ivy League. Might as well call this college "Poop U".

8) Notre Dame - Unless you are Catholic and totally into either: A) Not having sex or B) Having sex with an ugly girl, you're probably not going to like Notre Dame. Yes, the diploma is nice to have, but is the risk of being devoured by Charlie Weis really worth it? I once saw him eat a man's dick. It was in international waters.

7) Texas - If you're from Texas, that's great - go there. Better than Texas Tech or that school in the football movie with Scott Balaka and Sin Bad. But if you're from out of state - I caution you to think of the following question: "Have I ever met anyone from Texas and did I like them?". Barring the obvious "Yes, because she was a hot blond that gave me the best rim job of my life", the answer is most likely "No". People from Texas think they are entitled to something, so it's best to just let them be.

6) Any school that pays white people to come there: Grambling, Southern, etc. - I'm not racist, don't get me wrong - I just don't have 95% interracial friends. Going here could lead to an awkward moment freshman year when you drop the soap next to your buddy, Bubba. That won't feel good.

5) Western New Mexico - Welcome to Western New Mexico, where there is cacti, snakes, and rapists. The reason I put them on here? 5.9% graduation rate. How is that possible?

4) West Virginia - I'm going out on a limb here and saying they don't have a dental school. And if they did - good luck trying to find a job as a dentist in West Virginia. Big pluses do exist, however. All the Oxycontin you can stomach.

3) Boise State - Guess what? Not a good school. Also, you're going to need to LOVE E or acid in order to enjoy staring at that smurf turf in the fall. I don't know this for an actual fact, but I can't imagine the girls are anything that would make your stoinker go "boing".

2) BYU - Might as well call it "Cult U". I don't know everything about Mormons, nor do I really care to learn, but I think the typical "Drink, fuck, experiment with drugs" thing that college usually provides is frowned upon there. On the positive side, if you were stuck with BYU, you could fake to be a Mormon, and then convince a lot of gullible chicks to fuck/drink/do drugs with you - you'd be a modern day Mormon raider.

1) Ohio State - Congratulations, your football team will ultimately disappoint you at some point, you spend 8 months out of the year in Ohio (one of the shittiest states in the USA), and you probably contracted chlamydia as a freshman. As an added bonus you can take your diploma (assuming you graduate) and use it to wipe your ass, seeing as how no respectable firm will ever hire you.